An In-Compleat Catalogue of Terrible Drivers

February 28, 2013     / / / /

While my lovely wife is content to write about frivolous matters (as befits her frailer gender), I present my respected readers with practical prose and intellectual idioms for healthier and happier living.

To that end, I present my In-Compleat Catalogue of Terrible Drivers.

Let us be honest, you and I. Driving has become a dangerous and enraging pursuit. The reason is, of course, all those blooming idiots who insist on taking up traffic space. What better way to fuel your mental health while motoring around than to ascribe names to these moronic souls who surely received their driver education class at the hands of the high school’s curling coach.

Traffic violator driving a 1900-vintage car being stopped by a policeman on a bicycle

Here, then, are my submissions to the Official and Canonical listings:

Ramorons*

These folks only seem comfortable on the road when they are shadowing another vehicle. There are a few specific varieties of Ramorons.

  • Sinistidiots* are those folks who cruise in the passing lane
  • Side-drafters will always slow down while passing a semi, often staying next to them for miles
  • the dreaded Cling-ons who pull up fast behind you and, once you’ve moved to the right-hand lane to let ’em pass, blocks off your ability to pass the Turtle in front of you for at least 20 minutes.

Zenos

From the Greek philosopher whose famous paradox was that no one can ever reach a distant point, because they would always have to go halfway first, and so on unto infinity. You meet Zenos on the road when you are preparing to exit the highway, and pull behind them because trying to race ahead to the exit would be silly. Problem is, the Zeno continues to slow down, and at each point they are only going just fast enough that trying to pull around them would be fruitless, leading to a paradox where you will never actually make the exit.

Schitzo-frantics

These are folks who can’t seem to make up their mind whether they are in a rush or not. Often you see them race up to an intersection and jump wildly into the first break in traffic possible only to drive 10 MPH under the speed limit.

Magoos*

We’ve all been lost or found ourselves in the wrong lane to make our turn. Where you and I will pull into a parking lot to get directions or turn back to the missed intersection, Magoos stop in the middle of traffic and block all other cars until they figure out just where they heck they need to go.

Crazy Ivans

A catch-all for anyone who does something worthy of being shown in a video on Russian drivers.

Add to the list

What names do you suggest for my humble yet mighty collection? Leave me your ideas in the comments below!

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2 COMMENTS
  • Jeremy - February 28, 2013 - Reply

    there's the passhole: content to putter along until he realized you're about to pass him and he speeds up. then there's the momentum driver: you're behind them at the light and can't wait to get in the other lane and pass, but as you do, they are steadily increasing speed until they are passing cars on the right. so you get back over and the light turns red and it begins again.

  • Sharon - January 27, 2014 - Reply

    The curvephobias who drive 15 over the speed limit until they hit a curve and brake. You can't catch them on the straightaway, but get stuck behind them at every curve. I think there's a making of a book here. Good job, Carey.

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