While my lovely wife is content to write about frivolous matters (as befits her frailer gender), I present my respected readers with practical prose and intellectual idioms for healthier and happier living.
To that end, I present my In-Compleat Catalogue of Terrible Drivers.
Let us be honest, you and I. Driving has become a dangerous and enraging pursuit. The reason is, of course, all those blooming idiots who insist on taking up traffic space. What better way to fuel your mental health while motoring around than to ascribe names to these moronic souls who surely received their driver education class at the hands of the high school’s curling coach.
Here, then, are my submissions to the Official and Canonical listings:
These folks only seem comfortable on the road when they are shadowing another vehicle. There are a few specific varieties of Ramorons.
- Sinistidiots* are those folks who cruise in the passing lane
- Side-drafters will always slow down while passing a semi, often staying next to them for miles
- the dreaded Cling-ons who pull up fast behind you and, once you’ve moved to the right-hand lane to let ’em pass, blocks off your ability to pass the Turtle in front of you for at least 20 minutes.
From the Greek philosopher whose famous paradox was that no one can ever reach a distant point, because they would always have to go halfway first, and so on unto infinity. You meet Zenos on the road when you are preparing to exit the highway, and pull behind them because trying to race ahead to the exit would be silly. Problem is, the Zeno continues to slow down, and at each point they are only going just fast enough that trying to pull around them would be fruitless, leading to a paradox where you will never actually make the exit.
These are folks who can’t seem to make up their mind whether they are in a rush or not. Often you see them race up to an intersection and jump wildly into the first break in traffic possible only to drive 10 MPH under the speed limit.
We’ve all been lost or found ourselves in the wrong lane to make our turn. Where you and I will pull into a parking lot to get directions or turn back to the missed intersection, Magoos stop in the middle of traffic and block all other cars until they figure out just where they heck they need to go.
A catch-all for anyone who does something worthy of being shown in a video on Russian drivers.
Add to the list
What names do you suggest for my humble yet mighty collection? Leave me your ideas in the comments below!